Living a Life of PRAISE

Holding On

As both the girls are napping I wanted to take this moment to write in my journal. But then I thought-no, I need to blog. I have raw emotions that others need to hear-maybe to lift me up or maybe to relate and know we’re not alone in this battle.

At church this morning our pastor made us search ourselves and come clean with God about what we’re hiding. When he started the sermon I thought of everyone that needed to hear this but slowly it was me and only me who needed to listen. The word JEALOUSY kept coming to mind. I wanted to push it away or ignore it but I couldn’t especially when the room got silent and there was a heaviness in the atmosphere. Then I confessed:

Okay God-you want to know the truth? You really want me to be honest with how I feel? Then here it goes. I’m jealous! Yes jealous of how you are moving in other peoples lives and not mine. I’m jealous of two of my good friends here in Clarksville who are both on their way to financial security PLUS doing what they’re passionate about. I’m watching their dreams come true and all I can think about is why hasn’t ours? Why do we keep suffering? When will there be a break and I don’t mean a temporary one? When will everything we’ve sacrificed and worked for pay off? I don’t understand Your plan for us and I’m tried-drained and exhausted. I can’t take it anymore!

I wish I felt better after venting to God but I don’t. Our pastor challenged us to find it biblically where the saying, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” is found. It’s not. It does say He won’t tempt us without providing a way out but what I’m learning is the theme all through the bible-God brings us to the end of ourselves. Sometimes He has to get us to that place of-I can’t take it anymore. Well I’m there so now what?

When we got home from church the stress of bills and things that need to be taken care of left me paralyzed. I felt like I was having an internal panic attack. It was in that moment I realized a reason I enjoy traveling so much-its not reality. Matt brought up a good point when he said maybe the reason we’ll be in Clarksville the next couple months (he doesn’t have much booked until April) is because we need to deal with some things. I agree.

Today I have wanted to crumble. I have wanted to quit. I’m over this life God has for us. I’ve never understood people questioning the life God has for them, especially if they’re following Him, but I get it now. Nothing makes sense. I have NO IDEA where we’re headed or being led. That is SO scary! At least in moving out here we knew where we were going and we were excited for what awaited us. Right now we have no idea. I don’t think I have ever been so scared. I don’t think my life has ever been lived in this type of place of the unknown.

One of the hardest parts in this is knowing security and comfort could be ours. Matts exact words today were, “I could send out resumes and get a good paying church job to be a worship leader and we could move back to Wilmington to be around all of those we love and miss but that would be too easy. We came out here for a purpose and we haven’t seen that happen yet and until we do, we’re not wavering from Gods call. I’ve quit too many things in my life to quit this too.” Even though his words weren’t comforting as far as an “answer” I was left speechless because of his confidence and determination to follow God AT ALL COSTS. This was not my husband a couple years ago so to see the growth in him definitely touched me and allowed me to follow his lead.

As I layed on the floor, not wanting to get up-ever, Kaylee came and tackled me. She threw herself on me and held me tight while laughing and saying, “I get you mommy!” At that moment I realized I have to go on, if anything I have to for my girls.
So today I am holding on to Kaylees tackles, Abi’s smile, and the sparkle I see in Matts eyes when he looks at me. And that should be enough to at least get me through the day.


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  1. * mackenzie says:

    that is so good friend and definitely exactly what i needed to hear.
    thank you so much for sharing!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 1 month ago

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